Writing Stuff That Looks Like Other Stuff

Over the weekend, I went to the Roanoke Regional Writers Conference for the fourth time. It was the best conference yet. The speakers were focused and professional; the panels were alternatively funny and thought-provoking.

On Saturday, I went to a class called “Creating Fraudulent Artifacts: How to Construct Stories that Masquerade as Other Forms of Writing,” taught by Matt Vollmer, assistant professor of creative writing at Virginia Tech. The title is a mouthful. I almost skipped it. I am so glad I didn’t.

Have you ever seen a piece of paper lying on the ground and wondered what it was? Did you pick it up? If you did, what did you learn about the person who dropped the paper? Even if it's a receipt for gas, you can learn a lot about the driver depending on how much gas he put in his car.

Matt challenges his students to write short stories that pretend to be something other than a short story. What, you say. So, go think about what your grocery list says about you. Can you create a story out of that list? What do you buy? How many people are in your household? What are your favorite brands? It’s more than a brain-teaser. It’s a different way of looking at the world.

Matt said his technique is fun, subversive and liberating. It breaks up writer’s block, requires the reader to become a participant in the story, encourages experimentation and gives the writer a way to turn the ordinary into art.

I got to thinking about this. What do the emails in my span folder say about me? Can I write a “dear john” letter to a politician? Can I look at something as common as a dinner receipt and create a vignette for a novel?

To quote a losing politician from 2008, “you betcha.”

Losing Control of the Keyboard

Hi. My name is Mocha Java, Mom and Dad’s new kitty. I came to my new forever home in mid July and am trying to learn to type. It’s not that easy when you have five toes with claws. I kepp hitting the rongg keys.

Did you see my spots? The vet says I’m a patches tabby, but I'm a fawn-colored Ocecat. That’s a cross between a tabby and an ocelot. Mom says I can be anything I want as long as I’m her kitty.

I thought I’d take over today, because Mom is recovering from a death threat one of her FB “fiends” sent her after her last post. That is not a typo. I meant fiends, not friends. The man wrote her a private message through FB, whatever that is, and called her a Satanist. He said if he didn’t kill her, he hoped someone else would.*

I read the post. I didn’t understood much of it since it wasn’t about mousies or chipmunks or head noogies. Why people would want to hurt my Mom just because of something she wrote?

Mom laughed about the threat, before she unfriended the fiend. She’s going to take a few days off from her blog, since she doesn’t want to upset too many more people.

She was silly and left the computer on last nite. It’s not eazy standing on a ball on my back leggs. I don’t know what else to write. Maybe I’ll crawl into my hooch and sleep. Or, stick my head out and keep an eye on Mom. I need to proteck her.

I hope you like my first post. I want to be a better riter, so I’ll try and come back.

* Mocha writes the truth about the death threat. I didn’t take it seriously, because my proselytizing post led to several amazing conversations – and one idiot who ruined my week.,/p>

Spare Me Your Proselytizing

Not everyone will agree with this post. I understand. I know I'll be stepping on toes, but I'm not going to stop writing it.

Please, do not to use "Christian" in every sentence. Listen to our politicians who say each is the only true Christian in the Republican race. Rick Santorum calls himself a true evangelical Christian. Newt Gingrich calls himself the only true conservative--read "Christian"-- who can get elected. Mitt Romney avoids any discussion of religion, because too many do not understand Mormonism. And Ron Paul just avoids the whole sticky mess.

It's not just the politicians. I was at three different lunch meetings recently where people were introduced as true Christians. Yes, these were secular luncheons. One speaker talked about how the Constitution established the U.S. as a Christian nation. Not true. Not in the Constitution, but that one myth impossible to erase.

Don't get me wrong. I respect your beliefs, even when or if they don't mirror mine. What I dislike intensely is the overuse of the word "Christian" or crediting God with everything. My friends who have different beliefs feel marginalized when they hear such statements. No one says, that's really Jewish of her. Or, she acts like a good Muslim. What about, his behavior represents his Buddhist beliefs.

You wouldn't like it, I bet. I don't like it when you push your beliefs on me. And it's not just being a Christian. People have the audacity to ask me what church I belong to, if they don't see me at their church. There is a reason that the Constitution separated Church and State, did not define our country by any one religion, and protected our rights to worship/believe as each citizen saw fit.

It can really be a minor action that irritates. My former auto mechanic wrote "Jesus loves you" on the back of my annual inspection sticker. A local bookstore owner subjects all patrons to a sermon on her beliefs. Alas, I no longer shop at the only indie bookstore in a 25-mile radius. It goes on and on.

I feel judged negatively if I don't respond in kind with validation of someone's Christian values. I have strong values. I am very spiritual I don't push my values on anyone. For me, it's enough to live them, not brag about them.

Politics of the Absurd

If you want to watch what happens when all bodies of government are controlled by a single party, doesn't matter which one, just watch Virginia. It's a microcosm of politics of the absurd.

Our governor, Bob McDonnell, gave his state of the state address last week where he called on the legislature to work together for the people of the Commonwealth of Virginia. He asked the state senate, which is evenly split between two parties, to put aside their differences and work to move our state forward. 'Course, he may be running for Vice President...

Wonderful words, but meaningless. Our lieutenant governor, Bill Bolling, wasn't paying any attention when he approved Republicans to head every major committee. Yes, there is a 50-50 split, but Bolling casts the tiebreaker. He started the session by putting his brand of Republicans in charge of the major committees, even though there were many Democrats with seniority and half the seats.

Don't forget the attorney general, Ken Cuccinelli, who hates everything Democratic and everything Obama.

So if you think there is anyway this divided country can work together for the benefit of the country, think again. Just watch Virginia. You won't need MapQuest to see where this road leads.